What is Shame?

Shame is a tricky, insidious, mysterious emotion, yet it’s at the root of all human suffering and dis-ease. It’s responsible for the “there’s something wrong with me story” and is responsible for creating the things we dislike in our lives.

The subtle creates the gross and it is the shame that exists in our subtle bodies – our emotional, mental, and spiritual or energetic bodies – that manifest in our physical bodies and lives. This shame, particularly Feminine Shame, is responsible for so much of the suffering and dis-ease we experience.

Shame Dictates the Show

So much of my life has been dictated by shame. I’ve struggled to like myself, let alone love myself. I’ve felt small, awkward, uncomfortable, misunderstood, and like no one “gets” me.

I’ve engaged in countless hours of exhausting mental gymnastics, over-analyzing, and hyper-intellectual pursuits in the name of finally “fixing” myself.

I’ve sought countless “answers,” “fixes,” and “protocols” to help me finally measure up to some illusion of an ideal. An illusion that existed outside of myself and was the “normal” I was desperately trying to emulate.

I’ve needed help and not wanted to ask for it because then they’d know just how fucked up I really am.

I’ve hated my body and watched as my health suffered, which fueled more distrust and disdain, which led to more health challenges. I’ve denied emotional expression, flow, and release because it felt trivial, “stupid,” “unproductive,” and like it wouldn’t actually “fix” me. I’ve spent a great chunk of my life being in a state of hyper-vigilance; ensuring I was “on” so as to not upset my surroundings.

I’ve allowed my boundaries to be crossed and my needs to be unexpressed and unmet. I’ve moved around obstacles rather than moving the obstacles around me. I’ve felt like I was too much and not enough at the same damn time. I’ve felt disconnected from nature, my authentic Self, my own experience of my own divinity.

I’ve felt like something’s perpetually wrong with me for simply existing.

What it all comes down to is this: whatever we’re resisting, is supplying fuel to the shame. The parts of ourselves we’re not relating with and not witnessing and loving, are feeding the shame.

If we’re ashamed of the wounds we carry, they can’t become our gifts.

We’re all carrying a legacy of pain and trauma that breed shame and unworthiness and the illusion of separation. My sacred mission in this life is to bring awareness to the fact that shame, particularly Feminine Shame, exists and is at the root of most of our suffering and physical dis-ease.

You know I don’t believe in “letting go” in the sense of forcing us to remove a piece of ourselves and our stories, refer back this article where I discussed “Why Letting Go is BS and What to Do Instead.” Trying to “let go” of something is impossible and simply breeds more dis-ease and resistance and therefore, shame.

When we’ve been through something, we’re changed on all levels – physiologically, emotionally, mentally. Often it’s the resistance to this change that breeds the shame – we’re ashamed of not being the same anymore.

Rather than “letting go,” what we can do is transmute our pain, turn it into something else entirely, change the way we relate to it, and let it become the gift that it really is intended to be.

Changes Out of Our Control Breeding Shame

We are ashamed of things about ourselves that are transient, like our bodies and emotions. Shame also presents itself when we internalize things that occur around us or to us.

My body is transient. She changes constantly! On a daily basis! As I’m sitting here right now! She shrinks and grows, waxes and wanes, bleeds, excretes waste, and more. In our culture, our bodies are also a huge source of shame. Don’t get fat, don’t age, don’t let anyone know you poop or have a moon cycle! Ew!

As an example of things around us that we internalize, we can look to our family and early upbringing. My mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict. These traits are undesirable and unhealthy. I internalized this shame of her shortcomings and wrongdoings. The way she lived, the way our lives were, were socially unacceptable and uncomfortable, and therefore, shameful.

See what I’m saying?

Shame is caused by resisting some part of ourselves and in that resistance, we live in a constant state of inner conflict and turmoil and are constantly ashamed of the part of ourselves we’ve been programmed to believe is unworthy or invalid.

Shame In Our Bodies

Shame impacts the physical body in a variety of ways. It registers as a stress response, which is killer to the physical body and the root chakra energetically.

Basically, when shame is dictating our lives, we’re in a state of survival and fight or flight mode. We’re wearing armors and personas to mask these shameful parts of us why any means necessary. And when we’ve been so programmed into believing that most everything about us is shameful, including our very bodies, you can see how we’re all a bunch of stress cases!

And simply being alive on planet Earth in these times results in a nervous system that is way too jacked and wired anyway; add in the berating inner critic and shame living in our subtle realms, you’re creating a gross experience of ill-health. Adrenal issues and reproductive challenges are becoming rampant, among other ailments.

Beginning to Unravel Shame

Shame prevents us from experiencing true intimacy, from living our purpose, from getting our needs met, from expressing ourselves fully. We are going to have a very difficult time getting close to others in any relationships. We’re all coming from this inauthentic place because we’re terrified of really being seen.

Shame prevents us from expressing our passions and living our purpose because we don’t want others to know what’s important to us or what we’ve been through and it feels too transparent. We are ashamed of our needs so we don’t ask for them to be met.

We’re paralyzed in a little prison of our own creation – wanting to be seen and not wanting to be seen; wanting to create waves and live fully and not wanting to rock the boat; envisioning more for ourselves and then quickly questioning our worthiness or capability.

How can we begin to find more nourishment in our lives and heal these shame stories?

First, we must presence how shame is living in our lives and in our bodies and in our thoughts and beliefs… It’s here. You have a bellybutton and ears and also are carrying some shame, particularly Feminine Shame.

Frequently Asked Questions About Feminine Shame

What is Feminine Shame?

What is Feminine Shame:
Have you ever felt out of step with the world, simply for embracing the natural ebbs and flows within yourself? At InnerSpark, we define “Feminine Shame” as a deeply ingrained resistance towards that which is cyclical, fluid, nurturing, intuitive, or emotional. It’s the uneasy feeling that arises from being cyclical, intuitive, or in tune with seasonal rhythms in a world that often values linear progress and constants. This disconnect is what distances many from their true essence, their InnerSpark, causing them to feel adrift, overwhelmed, and detached from the comforting rhythms of nature. It’s feeling ashamed of our innate, tender nature in a world that parades “normal” over “natural.”
 
Rooted in centuries-old beliefs, Feminine Shame drives that whispering ghost of “not enough.” It convinces us we’re wrong, unworthy, flawed at our very core. We’ve been conditioned to see our natural state as abnormal, which distances us from our true selves. This tug-of-war between the natural and the “normal” drains us—physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually—leading to widespread dis-ease. It’s high time we ask: isn’t it time to bridge that gap? To finally come home to ourselves? That’s where The InnerSpark Method is your guide.

Why Does Feminine Shame Exist?

Why Does Feminine Shame Exist:
From our early years, society hands us a blueprint of how to “fit in.” This blueprint often discounts the beauty of nature’s spirals – the inherent fluctuations and cycles that we, as beings of this Earth, naturally resonate with. When these intrinsic rhythms, intuitions, and emotions are labeled as irregular or inconsistent, it creates a landscape where Feminine Shame finds fertile ground, urging us to adopt the “standard” instead of cherishing our unique spirally essence.

Who Does Feminine Shame Impact?

Who Does Feminine Shame Impact:
Feminine Shame isn’t reserved for a select few. Imagine a shroud, thin but omnipresent, covering everything and everyone. Feminine Shame is that shroud. It blankets us all, an invisible veil impacting every heart. Regardless of gender or anatomy, everyone feels its presence – the nudge to prioritize society’s “shoulds” over the nurturing call of nature. It’s the tension that arises when our natural desire for a holistic, integrative life clashes with societal expectations, leaving us yearning for authentic connections, rhythms, and a return to our true nature.

How Do We Begin to Heal Feminine Shame?

How Do We Heal Feminine Shame:
The path to healing starts with recognizing the value of our innate connection to nature’s cycles. By turning towards our own challenges and deepest desires, and embracing the rhythms that have always been a part of us, we can find grounding and resilience. It’s about harmonizing with nature’s wisdom, tapping into its rhythms for guidance, and shedding the layers that keep us from living organically and authentically. Together, as a community that sees, supports, and validates each other, we transition from feeling fragmented and out of sync to dancing in harmony with life’s beautiful, ever-changing spirals.

How is shame showing up in your body, your life, your relationships?

What would you express if you knew you’d be completely received?

What are you terrified of having others see?