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Healing Feminine Shame with Pleasure

Regardless of anatomy or personal gender identification,
we’re all carrying a legacy of feminine shame.

I refer to feminine energy as “spiral energy” and masculine energy as “triangle energy.” I prefer these terms because they don’t come loaded with all of the connotations we hold about the words “feminine” and “masculine.”

To learn more about my approach to redefining “masculine” and “feminine,” read this.

I talked at great length about these principles in this article and podcast episode, however to briefly recap, the spiral aspects of our existence are those that are fluctuating, ever-changing, lunar, passive, expansive. The triangle aspects are more fixed, rigid, predictable, solar, contractive.

So, what is feminine shame or spiral shame?

It’s an inherent shame, mistrust, and judgement of these parts of ourselves that are impermanent and in a constant state of flux.

As a society, we definitely shun these ways and prefer the more active, linear, predictable, unchanging aspects of life. Seeing as those are not really all that abundant, there’s much to find ourselves wary of and that comes at the expense of the counter side of these energies – the spiral or feminine aspects.

Frequently Asked Questions About Feminine Shame

What is Feminine Shame:
Shame is an often misunderstood state that we do our best to avoid – and about which we rarely speak! However, it is a natural, necessary response that arises when we perceive our sense of safety, belonging, contentment, and/or joy to be in jeopardy. It motivates us to make change so that we may repair our sense of safety, belonging, contentment, and/or joy.
 
Feminine Shame, a phenomenon and concept created by InnerSpark, is when we perceive ourselves, in our innate, natural state, to be the barrier towards our sense of safety, belonging, contentment, and/or joy simply because of our existence and presence. It is an intense and deeply held resistance, aversion, resentment, and fear towards anything that is soft, transient, cyclical, fluid, passive, nurturing, intuitive, an/or emotional in nature.
 
It is a shame towards that which is natural in a world attempting to get us on board with what’s “normal.”
 
This learned disconnection leads us into a perpetual state of “not enough.” We feel wrong, bad, unworthy, fundamentally flawed just for existing. As a species, we’ve lost our taproot and have learned that it’s better to ignore the innate naturalness of our being, unless we wish to open ourselves to scrutiny, judgement, and more shame. What we’ve learned and emulated across many generations now, largely due to Puritanical programming, isn’t “natural,” although we’ve come to certainly view it as “normal.”
 
Living with Feminine Shame is a constant fight between natural and normal and an internalization that there’s something wrong with us. We are disconnected from our InnerSpark and continually seek cues and validation externally. This compartmentalized way of life makes everything harder and wreaks havoc on us physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and contributes to dis-ease on a massive scale.

Why Does Feminine Shame Exist:
The root cause of feminine shame is in the programs that have taught us to shun our naturalness and to view it as wrong, bad, sinful. Since so much of our world in its natural state is meant to encompass these qualities (our physical bodies, the cycles of the Earth, the stages of life, growth, and aging, and more), it’s an unfortunate truth that we’ll all experience this feminine shame at some point our lives to varying degrees.
 
Always striving to fit into a rigid, external measure of “normal,” willing ourselves to continue the quest when what would truly bring us back to wholeness is embracing our natural state and our Spirally essence.

Who Does Feminine Shame Impact:
Feminine Shame impacts everyone – regardless of gender or physical anatomy. It’s an abstract, permeating concept that mostly refers to shame towards that which is natural and has virtually nothing to do with gender or anatomy.
 
It is when we believe our very natural existence and presence, especially those aspects that are fluid and natural, are the source of our sense of safety, belonging, contentment, and/or joy being in jeopardy.
 
While womxn do tend to experience it more directly, as a species, we’ve undoubtedly come to a place where the essence of “feminine,” or the Spiral Principle is not held with high regard. We are all impacted, as is our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health and the health of our planet.

How Do We Heal Feminine Shame:
We heal Feminine Shame intentionally, compassionately, gently, and lovingly. We do so by embracing what’s natural and letting go of what’s been deemed “normal.”
 
In The InnerSpark Method, a system for supporting deep-feeling, sensitive women in breaking the cycles of burnout, people-pleasing, anxiety, and constantly trying to “fix” themselves, we heal Feminine Shame through five phase approach: befriending the body, managing our energy system (with resources like InnerSpark’s Energy Management Tools) and connecting with our emotions, mastering our mind, and aligning with Nature’s wisdom and rhythms.
 
We do so by reconnecting with ourselves, our InnerSpark, to see the parts of ourselves riddled with shame. We do so in community where we allow ourselves to be seen and witness each other. We come back to a state of reverent balance and holistic living and thriving.

What’s in flux about ourselves?

Pretty much everything. Our emotions, our physical bodies… We’re taught to keep it together, not have strong emotions, not age, not reveal that our bodies do things like create waste products or bleed monthly.

As womxn in womxn’s bodies, we carry the brunt of this more heavily. As sensitive womxn in womxn’s bodies… ay yi yi. We carry so much shame, hesitancy, guilt, and are basically walking apologies.

Why Heal it? What’s it Creating?

We simply can’t continue this way. Addictions and mental health crises are continuing to rise, especially in women. This way of being keeps us small and it maintains a really sick and dysfunctional status quo wherein we normalize the questionable treatment to which we’re subjected.

We have come to normalize womxn’s suffering and almost expect it. We normalize womxn’s physical health challenges, we normalize and perpetuate the belief that women are dependent, weaker than, hysterical, and that their intuition or connection to the Earth are just a bunch of “old wives’ tales.”

We know deep down this is BS, yet we’ve been programmed through centuries to believe otherwise, so when we have those thoughts about it all being BS, we think we’re crazy, we become ashamed of stumbling upon this latent magic within, we feel helpless and hopeless because we feel that the bridge between our current state and that magic is just too damn big to ever be built and we don’t know where to begin…

Bottom line: feminine shame is done.

  • We can no longer as a species operate in a way that perpetuates this kind of thinking and treatment. The planet is suffering as a direct result. We attempt to control every aspect of life and think we can outsmart it.
  • We can no longer genetically modify things rather than working with Nature and the soils and the seasons.
  • We can no longer rely on stimulants and other outside, lab-made creations to manipulate the body into doing what we want it to do, rather than giving it the materials and support to encourage its natural function.
  • We can no longer be terrified, cynical, and skeptical of anything that is “natural.” “Alternative” and “holistic” are thought of as “new age” and unreliable when they’ve been around since the dawn of humans and will be around after us.
  • We can no longer cover our bodies with chemicals to hide odors that are caused by the food-like stuff we ingest that in no way nourishes our bodies.
  • We can no longer continue to rape and pillage and demand from the Earth, or ourselves. We have become increasingly disconnected from the innate rhythms and spirals of life herself.

This is all feminine shame.

Shame of the spiral. Fear of the spiral, which breeds the shame. As womxn, especially sensitive womxn, everything about us is spirally. We are mocked and shamed because we are feared, and all of this makes us feel shame about ourselves because we’re “different.”

What’s Pleasure?

I’ve touched on many remedies for healing feminine shame and today, I’d like to offer another: pleasure.

Many of us have come to think of pleasure as only “sexual” and while that’s certainly a very major and necessary part of healing feminine shame, it’s not the only one.

Pleasure takes on many forms and the main thing is that it is something that evokes a sense of joy, supreme presence, and an affirmation of life within YOU. Not anyone else.

What brings me pleasure is different than what brings you pleasure. Honor your pleasure. Follow your pleasure.

We must have a relationship with pleasure and to have a relationship with pleasure, we must be able to receive

Receiving is a big challenge among my clients and sensitive womxn and womxn in general. To receive requires being receptive, which requires being in a state of ease and in that “rest and digest” mode (as opposed to the “fight, flight, or freeze” mode many of us have just become too cozy with).

Being in rest and digest requires a sense of surrender and it requires presence. We cannot be in a state of surrender and presence if we’re not in our bodies and we cannot be in our bodies if we’re in our heads.

And many of us are in our heads because we’re constantly using our sensitivity as a way of judging and perceiving the circumstances and people around us so that we can stay safe and not be fully seen in our authentic essence, which is one of supreme spirally energy.

So, ultimately, one of the key ways to heal feminine shame is with pleasure, which requires an ability to receive. Authentic pleasure requires that you know yourself and trust what brings you TRUE joy and pleasure and not try to deny it or pacify it with those quick fixes that aren’t actually pleasurable in the long-run – like emotional eating binges, for example.

How to Strengthen Your Capacity to Receive Pleasure

To begin to bring more pleasure into your life, you must continue the journey of knowing thyself to understand and feel what is truly pleasurable to YOU.

Pleasure lives in the body; it’s not something to think about or calculate or study. It has a specific resonance in your body; befriend it.

Think of something that brings you pleasure right now. The simpler, the better. The warm rays of the sun penetrating your skin, for example. Submerse yourself in this experience right now in your mind. Notice the emotions that arise. Feel it all. And specifically notice the sensations in your physical body. This is your unique pleasure frequency. FOLLOW THIS. KNOW THIS. BEFRIEND THIS.

Befriending your subtle energies can make this all feel clearer and more intuitive and unclog the muck that gets in the way of trusting yourself and your body. Develop your own intuitive energy healing practices and strengthen your boundaries, feel more grounded, and become the clear channel you are meant to be.

Additionally, getting into the body with physical pleasure creates tremendous healing! Sexual pleasure, in that iteration of pleasure, is profoundly transformative and healing. It impacts all layers of our being – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. It instantly puts us in a deep state of ease and “rest and digest mode,” it quiets the mind, clears the energies, and dislodges trapped and stagnant emotions, particularly from the womb and cervix.

Orgasms in a womxn’s body create powerful physical waves throughout the cervix and womb and with practice, orgasm can serve as a powerful tool for some epic personal alchemy.

Bottom line: bring pleasure into your life intentionally. Receive your breath. Be with your food and savor it. Receive the love of your own touch. Receive the softness of fabrics on your skin. Keep practicing and notice how it becomes easier and notice how more reveals itself to you. Notice the stories around shame falling away.

Make space to receive. Where are the sticky parts around receiving for you? What’s the story here? Is it unworthiness? Is it shame? Is it fear? Allow yourself to receive the divine love and grace within and around you at all times. You are a walking emanation of stardust, love, and beauty, after all!

The InnerSpark Method

The InnerSpark Method is a revolutionary, whole-person approach for deep-feeling, sensitive women that gets to the real ROOT of burnout, overthinking, people-pleasing, anxiety, and that constant sense of "there's something wrong with me."

The InnerSpark Method is a profound inward journey of self-discovery, self-healing, and self-mastery that exists to strengthen and empower sensitive, deep-feeling women to transform challenge into resource and create their own lifelong pathways towards wholeness, thriving, growth, and transformation.

This is the foundation for life we all should have received. It’s a living, breathing framework and map back home to yourself.

Sweet Soul, it’s time to live from your InnerSpark.

I’ve got you.

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