I woke up on December 28, 2013 with a gnarly hangover. 

For the sake of transparency, I’d say it was weird for me not to wake up with a hangover on most mornings during that year – and a few years preceding. 

The disgusting taste in my mouth, the pounding head, the woozy and spinning sensations upon sitting up, and the general nagging feeling of malaise were all old familiar friends of mine.

I never considered myself an “alcoholic.”  Alcoholics went to meetings, got in trouble with the law, couldn’t hold their shit together, wrecked cars, got into fights, drank when they woke up, had loved ones who staged interventions, etc. 

None of these were ever me and this was my justification for my “partying.”  “I’m just young and having a good time,” I’d remind myself.  No one ever said anything to me, I never got in trouble with the law, never wrecked a car, and had my shit together, or so my warped opinion at the time said. 

Yup, I was just living the life of an early 20’s American woman and the bar was my preferred locale and bourbon chased with beer my favorite, although I really didn’t discriminate much.

Objectivity + A New Way

The truth was, it is by some type of divine protection that I never got in trouble, wrecked cars, or even died.  It’s truly when you step away from a situation that you’re able to see it objectively.  Now I can see that it’s neither healthy nor productive to begin your evenings out drinking by being a six pack up before you walk into the bar or to put yourself in compromising positions where you’re quite lucky you didn’t end up in a Lifetime movie or on an episode of Dateline.

So, what was so special about that morning, then?  To this day, that was the last morning I have woken up in such an awful state and the evening prior the last time alcohol passed through these lips. 

Without getting into the long, nitty gritty details of my entire life and the “inner demons” that led me to want to numb out of it more than actually live it, or the traumatic and painful event of early 2012 that was really the straw that broke the Devon’s back and served as the catalyst for where I am today, let’s just say something larger than myself broke through to me that day.

I did the unthinkable for me at the time and I vowed take a year off of drinking. 

The feat seemed monumental and almost unattainable, yet my competitive nature wasn’t about to see me “fail” at this self-imposed challenge.  Earlier that year, I had started to make positive changes in my life and health (for the umpteenth time – I used to be a pro at the whole periods of “fad diets and excess exercise” thing followed by a period of the “all-you-can-eat and sedentary” thing) and knew that the only way I could finally sustain the positive momentum towards my ideal life was to cut the booze.  I haven’t had a drink since, nor do I have any desire to pick it up again.

Clearer, Evolving, Awakening

Fast forward to today – my life is nothing like how it once was, and for that I’m eternally grateful.  I’m in a continual process of evolution and growth fueled by an unwavering commitment to and love affair with myself.  I’m wide awake, more mindful, I take radical responsibility for all of me (even the “undesirable” parts), I practice radical self care, I honor my needs and my boundaries, and the list continues.  The first few years of sobriety were deeply revelatory and transfmorative, to say the least… I am grateful for each and every day and for the person I am today.

The Invitation: In the upcoming year, I invite you to take a bold look at your life.  Where can you really, truly, once and for all sober the eff up?

You can’t ignore, bypass, or numb yourself out of the root of the issue forever.  We all have our preferred tools, whether alcohol, food, porn, sex, mindlessly scrolling through Facebook or watching television, I’m inviting you to identify your numb out method and choose to SOBER UP.

What are you really avoiding?  Who are you without this device and what would be possible in your life without it? What other parts of you are starving because you’re choosing to feed this addiction?
Alcohol was always my main obstacle.  I’ve had a strong passion for holistic living and alternative wellness my entire life and was always the one offering my friends B complexes (alcohol severely depletes your body of virtually every single vitamin and mineral, B vitamins in particular) or liver support herbs before our binges – yes, true story.

Addition is a symptom of Feminine Shame

I have known deep pain and suffering, as I am sure you have, too, on some level, at some point in your life.  On top of the drinking, I used to smoke like a chimney, and be quite overweight – upwards of 80 pounds. I was in a perpetual cycle of seeking something outside of myself and thinking that the next drink, food fix, or one night-stand would hold the answer. It didn’t and never could.  I’m not proud of these pieces of myself, yet, I embrace them and I know that the unprocessed childhood pain that fueled those past behaviors served as the catalyst for my own transformation and for me to have the ability to confidently and compassionately guide and hold you through your own transformations, too – whatever they may be.

Clearly, the way I was living was not in alignment with my ideal lifestyle, yet until the roots of my perceived obstacles were faced and my real needs identified and met, I would be stuck in this perpetual cycle of half ass-ing my life.

Everything that was driving me to think drinking was my only coping mechanism was rooted in Feminine Shame.

Frequently Asked Questions About Feminine Shame

What is Feminine Shame?

What is Feminine Shame:
Have you ever felt out of step with the world, simply for embracing the natural ebbs and flows within yourself? At InnerSpark, we define “Feminine Shame” as a deeply ingrained resistance towards that which is cyclical, fluid, nurturing, intuitive, or emotional. It’s the uneasy feeling that arises from being cyclical, intuitive, or in tune with seasonal rhythms in a world that often values linear progress and constants. This disconnect is what distances many from their true essence, their InnerSpark, causing them to feel adrift, overwhelmed, and detached from the comforting rhythms of nature. It’s feeling ashamed of our innate, tender nature in a world that parades “normal” over “natural.”
 
Rooted in centuries-old beliefs, Feminine Shame drives that whispering ghost of “not enough.” It convinces us we’re wrong, unworthy, flawed at our very core. We’ve been conditioned to see our natural state as abnormal, which distances us from our true selves. This tug-of-war between the natural and the “normal” drains us—physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually—leading to widespread dis-ease. It’s high time we ask: isn’t it time to bridge that gap? To finally come home to ourselves? That’s where The InnerSpark Method is your guide.

Why Does Feminine Shame Exist?

Why Does Feminine Shame Exist:
From our early years, society hands us a blueprint of how to “fit in.” This blueprint often discounts the beauty of nature’s spirals – the inherent fluctuations and cycles that we, as beings of this Earth, naturally resonate with. When these intrinsic rhythms, intuitions, and emotions are labeled as irregular or inconsistent, it creates a landscape where Feminine Shame finds fertile ground, urging us to adopt the “standard” instead of cherishing our unique spirally essence.

Who Does Feminine Shame Impact?

Who Does Feminine Shame Impact:
Feminine Shame isn’t reserved for a select few. Imagine a shroud, thin but omnipresent, covering everything and everyone. Feminine Shame is that shroud. It blankets us all, an invisible veil impacting every heart. Regardless of gender or anatomy, everyone feels its presence – the nudge to prioritize society’s “shoulds” over the nurturing call of nature. It’s the tension that arises when our natural desire for a holistic, integrative life clashes with societal expectations, leaving us yearning for authentic connections, rhythms, and a return to our true nature.

How Do We Begin to Heal Feminine Shame?

How Do We Heal Feminine Shame:
The path to healing starts with recognizing the value of our innate connection to nature’s cycles. By turning towards our own challenges and deepest desires, and embracing the rhythms that have always been a part of us, we can find grounding and resilience. It’s about harmonizing with nature’s wisdom, tapping into its rhythms for guidance, and shedding the layers that keep us from living organically and authentically. Together, as a community that sees, supports, and validates each other, we transition from feeling fragmented and out of sync to dancing in harmony with life’s beautiful, ever-changing spirals.

Self forgiveness is a combination of self compassion and self love.

The only way to your version of your ideal life is through your challenges and obstacles and to then transmute the shadow into nourishment.  Until you embrace ALL of you, nothing will change.  Am I proud of the actions, behaviors, or choices my younger self made?  Hell no!  However, I have much compassion for her and realize she did the best she could at the time with what she had. 

I also recognize that without those episodes of my life, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Does that make guilt or similar emotions disappear?  Probably not, but let those emotions serve as reminders of how far you’ve come, rather than hinder your feelings of self worth.

Forget about anyone else who may not “get” you.  It’s honestly mind blowing to me how I’m treated as a non-drinker.  From people’s confusion, to off comments or playful jabs, I have found myself wondering why my old ways were so culturally acceptable.  Why is it “normal” and acceptable and even celebrated to routinely get black out drunk in our culture?  

Yes, to lead a life of consciousness, of mindfulness, of deeply honoring the divine within is sadly a bit counterculture, however, do not let that or anything else stop you from embodying what YOU most desire. And you must break the mold, get out of your little comfort zone, question everything, and do things differently if that’s what it takes.

So, again I ask you, where can you sober up and truly see your life for what it is – a sacred gift?

Based on my own journey and my areas of expertise, I have made it my mission to heal Feminine Shame, and to serve others on the path of remembering their own sacredness to fully embody their purpose.  I want to help you fall madly in love with yourself.  I want to help you get to the root of your perceived obstacles, to manifest the habits that yield the health and wellness you deeply desire, and to help you create the life you want.  I want you to get to a point where there’s no more shame, guilt, or instability in yourself, your self trust, your habits or goals.  I want you to get to a place where there’s an “of course-ness” around caring for your sacred self because you see the divine within and hold yourself in the highest and most tender regard.  I want you to quit playing small, to quit downplaying your gifts, and to quit justifying with excuses that keep you stuck in victim mode wherein life is viewed as something to “get through.”  I want you to show up authentically and to fully live your purpose because you are so desperately needed right now. 

It’s all within and I’d LOVE to guide you back to the source of your own magnanimous inner spark and that starts with sobering up and clearing the sludge that dims it.  Rise, Dear One, and let’s work to make your life what it’s meant to be from the inside out.